


true nightmares

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, During Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-09
Updated: 2008-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8702716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Based around AHBL. sometimes terrible things happen to people. sometimes those people move past it, but what if the torment never ends and all you see every time you close your eyes is how badly you had failed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: please review. still new to the fandom and can use all the encouragement i can get.  


* * *

Dean’s dreams once consisted of the happy things that all children hope for. That changed the night his baby brother – his Sammy – turned six months old, and he was placed in charge of his younger brother. There had always been an agreement between Dean and John that no matter what, Dean was to take care of Sam and watch over his little brother. He tried his best to keep that promise, but it was hard in a world filled with monsters and demons that were hell bent on seeing the two brothers suffer and never have a single moment of peace. Still, he tried his damndest to keep his promise and save his brother from all the things that wanted to hurt him. He had never known that what he had promised could not be kept. He was good when it came to dealing with demons and the like. He never expected his baby brother to be taken out of this world by a mere mortal- albeit a psychic mortal- but a mortal nonetheless.

 

Now he woke to nightmares too terrifying and too real to sleep through. He had failed his brother. He had failed Sam, and every night the images played through his head like some horror film too horrible to ever describe. The pain he felt when he was sleeping – well he didn’t know how he even slept at all. How could any person sleep when images of the night they lost the person closest to them kept playing on repeat in their mind? 

 

He could have dealt with the nightmares if they hadn’t been merely flashbacks too real and too painful for Dean to even begin to hope to cope with. It was the most terrible night of his life and it kept playing for him inside his dreams whenever he dared close his eyes. 

 

He had lost his brother that night. Dean had held Sam while he died. He had watched the bastard, Jake, stab his brother in the back – not metaphorically but for real. And he had watched his brother lose his life. He tried his hardest to keep Sam with him, even a little longer. He had prayed for the first time in so many years that Sam would pull through, but even he knew that God doesn’t answer the prayers of a Winchester. He had held onto Sam so tightly that night, never letting him out of his arms even as the blood spilled down his hands and soaked his clothes. He would never let go. Not even after Sam was truly lost to him did he let go. 

 

Dean had died along with his baby brother that night. Every good thing that was left within himself, even after all these years of fighting, died that night with his Sammy as he held him close. He could still see and feel the blood upon his hands and no amount of washing and scrubbing would ever rid him of that. His brother’s blood was everywhere he looked. Awake or asleep, it was still there haunting him- telling him how badly he had messed up. 

 

There were nights when he fought sleep until he literally passed out from the exhaustion, only to wake a few hours later choking on a scream. He didn’t know what to do without Sam. Now he only hoped that death came for him soon. He wasn’t one to commit suicide. What little he knew of Christianity taught him that he would go to Hell for sure, and all he wanted was to be with his Sammy again. He knew that when Sam had died that Sam was much too good of a person to go to Hell. What good would it do him to off himself and rid himself of the one chance he had to see his brother once more? 

 

And so the nightmares continued and he continued to watch over his brother’s death stilled body all of his waking life. He spoke to his brother, telling him everything he could never say to Sam while he was alive. He would fill up on cheap booze and cry over his fallen comrade in arms. There was not a single day that went by that Dean felt anything but the utter despair of losing what was his only friend in the world- his only brother, for that matter. He fought and argued with Bobby, a man that had been like a second father to him after his own father’s passing.

 

Bobby wanted to bury Sam. He wanted to put the only person that really ever mattered to Dean anymore in the ground. He wanted to burn his baby brother’s body and that just hurt him more than anything that a man whom Sam and Dean alike had looked up to wanted to torch his little brother’s body and bury him six feet under. If he had been able to see beyond his own grief then maybe he would have realized that Bobby was just trying to help and he didn’t know how. 

 

When the answer to his brother’s death came to him, he knew what he had to do. If he had been able to think at all before then, he would have realized much sooner that he’d known the answer all along.

 

And when the deal was made and sealed with a kiss, Dean was going to Hell in place of his brother and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sam would live. Dean would die. He wouldn’t leave Sam with the same pain that had been torturing him after having his brother die in his arms. No. He would leave Sam before the end so that Sam would never have to know the feeling of losing everything he loved while it slipped away in his embrace. No. He would never wish that on Sam. He would never allow that to happen. 

 

He only hoped no one ever told Sammy why his big brother was gone or where he had gone to.


End file.
